Last days

My best friend is headed back to work after having her son and it had me reminiscing about when my maternity leave ended for both my kids.

With Elena, I only had 4 weeks off and then I was forced back early because the mortgage company wouldnt let us close on our new house until I was back at work. After 4 weeks at home, I was going out of my ever-lovin' mind. I was so bored. My sweet little girl slept a lot and required very little work. I was excited to go back to work.

With Ethan, I am drowning in the dirty laundry (clothes only, not diaper laundry - husband does that.) of two kids. There never seems to be enough time to clean up after my toddler much less basic house maintenance. The Elena effect is much like if you used a leaf blower to to dust. It is amazing what destruction one little girl obsessed with organizing (moving things) can do. Even beyond that I would rather make silly faces at Ethan all day and talk with my big girl.

Every day is so precious and that is underscored by the fact that it may be the last day. I want more children. I have made that very clear. My husband is on the fence. As much as I adore my children, I love their father more. This idea seems to be a rarer these days. I hear so many people say that their children come first in their lives. That their children are somehow more than their spouses. I don't understand this thinking. When I fell in love with my children, I did not fall out of love with my husband. He still remains the one person I have chosen to love for eternity. I cant help but love my family, my kids. They are physically a part of me. My husband is more than that to me. The kids will eventually leave and create their own families. My husband is with me beyond that. Our relationship is deeper. We share our struggles and laughter. We support each other no matter what. That being said I have told him that if he doesnt want more children, we wont have any more. No questions asked. I have two. 6 years ago that was two more that I thought I would ever have. My children are in many ways a miracle of God's grace. Elena was named after that grace. I will not selfishly badger him for more children.

These children. These two children may be the only two children I ever have. Ethan's 3 months smiles, silly faces, and laughter may be the last I ever get. When I sweep Elena's curls into a hairbow, a tear comes to my eye. I may never have another little girl who wakes up saying bow! hair! bow! Who prances to give her daddy kisses before night night. These days are the last that I may ever have and I greedily cherish them. I did not want to go back to work, but at least I am blessed to have them with me at work.
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